Archive for January, 2008

Unspoken Shahadah

January 27, 2008

Everything passed before my eyes so slowly and yet I could not react with any rapidity, could not take advantage of how things were unfolding. It was like a nightmare. It was a nightmare—being kidnapped from a public parking lot like in all those episodes of forensic shows. An arm wrapped around my waist like a vice. A dull, burning ache of what I could only assume was a stab wound, shock making the details of the situation hard to discern. The knife pressed under my jaw, drawing tiny rivulets of blood, preventing me from crying for help.

There was nothing to cling to as I was pulled away from my car, away from my screaming son who sat helpless in his seat, unable to save his mother, the person he was attached to the most. His devastation was my pain, one that ached more than any physical injury. I didn’t want him to see this, didn’t want the last memory of his mother to be something so wretched. There were a lot of things I didn’t want then.

As I was being dragged into the assaulter’s car my death became much more of a reality. I always tried to cling to hope, tried to keep the faith but it dwindled once I was shoved inside the vehicle that reeked of stale cigarettes. Law enforcement officials always said that the most important rule to surviving an attack was to never get inside the car. It was like signing your death certificate in blood. And there I was, inside the car.

What happened next was a blur. The slowed time failing me as I could only make out a flurry of arm gestures before I was punched in the side of the head. There was no occasion for thoughts, only reactions, blows raining upon my boney arms held up in self-defense. My temple tingled as I was struck again and again before my vision finally tunneled to black.

When I regained consciousness the car was inching to a stop. I didn’t bother to open my eyes. I could feel piano wire wrapped tightly around my neck, rubbing the skin raw. It made breathing difficult and speaking impossible. I couldn’t whisper the shahadah like I had always planned to. No repeating it over and over in English and in Arabic just to be safe.

I couldn’t help but wonder if I would be able to declare my deen and my nabi to Izra’il the angel of death—if I would be silent then too. I couldn’t help but wonder, why me, why now until I resigned myself to my fate, knowing that it was already written.


Do You Forget Shahrzad Someday Forever?

January 14, 2008

droppingMy heart was beating fast. Yet I was feeling light and joyful. Something in me was flying, but my body laying on the bed. I think something in me was going to be separated from “me”. I think I was going to be divided into pieces. When a green light embraced me, hold me tight, I think I was getting away from what I was.. I think I was going to die.

It took time that I considered on where I am and what i am going through. It was not an event that I experience every now and then. A unique one, maybe no way to come back and experience it again.

After awhile, I was next to bed, could see me laying down, without any motion. My eyes closed. My right wrist in nurse’s hand, she was worriedly trying to make beats stable. A warm red blood was coming out the nose. I could see the person on the bed who had admitted to be “me” was getting more sallowish.

The Doctor was talking to nurse: “Her heart is still beating. Yet her body is cold.

Nobody could notice that I am not that person on the bed. I was in the room, standing with all the staff there. Watching their acts. Trying to get what’s happening. At the moment i was talking to “me”: “So you’re dying? So that’s death?”

I remembered my beloved at once. If really I’m going to die, so I can not see him for last look? So Will I be just an unsuccessful martyr of love in this world?

Does he feel me now when am going to get away?

Why nobody told me at least 12 hours before I die? I had many jobs to do so. My parents, my friends and my beloved. Before I meet them once again in the hereafter, I needed to tell my last words to them.

But no way. I was going to die..

Did i do what i wanted to do? Was i good human being for the world? Could i reach the humanity? Was i good slave for my God?

My document would be closed eternally in this world. Like thousand millions people who had died before me in the history of humankind. And now nobody remembers them.

I could not be a prophet, a great scientist, a unique poet or an excellent person who has taken whole wisdom of life and beyond.

In my short life, I could be a Shahrzad. A simple story-teller. Who really tried her best to make a change. Even if little one, with short and unadorned influence. She was trying sincerely to educate her soul and her mind. She was trying to be honest and real friend.

She was trying to distribute big love of almaighty into hearts. She was trying to know her God.

Now I was watching her. She was going to die in this world, for a rebirth in the hereafter. She was joining all people who had passed away before her.

The time was going to pass. After awhile i was watching nothing. I could feel a strong headache. Openning my eyes, I looked at the doctor who was smiling with happiness. Everything was done now? I had came back to body of Shahrzad on the bed.

They could bring me back into life. I was alive once again as Shahrzad. Now once again she was breathing in the air of the mortal world. She was going back to the history. To be there, She was allowed to make more memories.

Could be Shahrzad dies really. Could be she gets separated from this world. Could be she leaves you all forever.

She is just a drop of an ocean. She will join the ocean someday. She will be solved in a big blue spirit.

People say that Shahrzad is kind of person they remember her face after long time. They say even if they see her once, they never forget her sincere eyes, her smiley face and her calmness.

Could be that someday somebody in this world remember her for her sincere eyes once again? Could be after years, she be still in minds for what she was? Could be after long time people still visit her blog? Could be people remember her for her stories? Could be her beloves have her memories in their mind?

If she be disappeared from your life, do you forget Shahrzad someday forever?

Source: Shahrazad